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Gene Expressions of the Aged

The "What the %$#@ it that?" gene: This odd gene expresses itself, sadly, anytime after your 40th birthday, but most assuredly it will be in full expression when you are over 60. It strikes women more than men and there is no pill I can give you for this. This might happen as you are getting into bed one night. As you swing your legs over to get under the covers, you see something that looks like the photos of the scorched, arroyo-ed earth that you saw last night on that National Geographic Special on Drought in Africa. Those are your aging legs. This is when you might say to yourself "What the %$#@ is that?" furiously looking for the Curel Lotion for Extra Dry Itchy Skin, hoping against hope that it will act like skin spackle.

Or: You are perusing your face in the magnifying mirror you have ill-advisedly (stupidly) mounted over your bathroom sink and see something new above your right eye brow. The thing is not too dark so it's probably not a melanoma, although you have heard that there are light-toned melanomas, so there is still slight concern. This strange unknown blemish wasn't there yesterday, so this might prompt another "What the %$#@ is that?" Why isn't my Crème de la Mer working? Will this thing be taking over my entire forehead?"

Or: You are having a lovely time hiking in the woods, whistling away your fear of bears, hand on your 38, when suddenly something odd happens to your right knee. Not quite pain - more of a weird clicking - but definitely a hitch in your git-along that wasn't there before and at your age, you think this is important, because now every "hitch" could become permanent! This again, might prompt a "Blessed Virgin, NOW what the %$#@ is that?". Then there is:

The Curmudgeon Gene: This annoying gene was first discovered in 1993 by the late Walter Matthau in the movie, Grumpy Old Men. This gene is usually confined to the male sex - rarely is it expressed in women, but when it is, it is called The Querulous Gene - and comes into full bloom in men on their 60th birthday, women much later, say age 75 to 80. I visited with a new curmudgeon-patient last week - Joe had turned 60 the Saturday before - and as I discussed this with him he admitted that, yes, now that you think about it, he had been expressing undue annoyance and entitlement and just plain orneriness for the last few days. Yes! By gum, ever since his 60th birthday!

Joe went on to say that when he was in his 40's he could have, for example, imagined flying to Greenland on United Airlines (whose coach seats would not comfortably fit a Little Person), stuck in the middle seat between two sweating 300 pounders, but now he could not imagine flying from Denver to Colorado Springs unless he had an aisle seat. It's hard when the curmudgeon gene kicks in as you find you have less and less wiggle room in life and it makes living harder not only for the curmudgeon but for all those around him. There is something for this: A very dry martini which tends to render the curmudgeon gene speechless. And then there are natural anti-depressants for the spouse as a last ditch to save the curmudgeon's marriage, or to be taken until The Querulous Gene kicks in at which time all hell will break loose.

The "Nice Young Man" Gene: This gene is restricted to women and it may strike as early as 58 but it will certainly be in full expression by the age of 70. Generally and luckily for all, this expression will remain well hidden in the silence of the frontal lobes of the women in question. For example, it may pop up in The Home Depot when you are looking for a whimmy-diddle (Appalachian idiom meaning watchamacallit) to replace something that broke in your clothes dryer. At that moment - with the broken whimmy-diddle clutched in your hand, and panicked by being in the overwhelmity of The Home Depot, you find yourself saying to yourself: "I need to find a Nice Young Man to help me find this whimmy-diddle replacement."

Or perhaps you are in Whole Foods and you notice that the item you want - goat milk - is on the very top shelf of the dairy section and since you are quite short there is no way in God's name that you can possibly reach it from the floor, since you are now too old to hike yourself up on a lower shelf in order to grab said carton of goat milk. Anyway, your knee went funny on your hike the other day... So, again, you find yourself saying to yourself "Let me go find a Nice Young Man to help me reach this."

The "Becoming Your Mother" Gene: This gene is expressed primarily in older women and gay men (who, on second thought, would rather be like Liza Minnelli than their mother). As you get older and older, you find yourself more and more, saying things just like your Mother. These sayings just pop out of nowhere, taking you aback as you assume your mother's voice, your mother's mannerisms and your mother's facial expressions. The first time it happens, it's quite alarming and you look around to see if she has been resurrected. Then after some time and distance and frequency, these ventriloquizing fugue states come and go without much self-incrimination. Like: "She's all dressed up like Esther's Pet Horse." Now you and I both know, she meant "[the] Astor's pet horse, but she always said Esther.

Becoming Mom doesn't necessarily have to do with cherished sayings only, but it could involve wearing something similar to what she wore; you find yourself digging out that red cape you saved after she died, trying it on and just wondering, just maybe, could I wear it somewhere? You could also find yourself cooking a meal she loved or looking in the frozen food's department for Stauffer's Chipped Beef which you will serve on toasted white bread, her favorite. Or you could look in the mirror and see your mother staring back at you. Now, that's frightening.

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